YOU ARE WORTHY - HOW TO INCREASE YOUR SELF WORTH
Increasing self worth is I believe the most important inner work that we need to do in order to boost our confidence and self esteem, love ourselves more, and have healthy relationships. In this blog post I have shared seven tips that can help you in increasing self worth that I have found helpful in my own crushed self worth healing journey, and which I have learned while working as a confidence coach with my 1 on 1 coaching clients, and giving workshops and motivational talks on the topic of Emotional Intelligence.
HOW TO INCREASE SELF WORTH TIP #1: SELF WORTH IS BUILT WITH SELF RESPECT!
The bricks of building the self worth are made of self respect! If you do not have enough self respect you cannot feel worthy and confident! It goes the other way around: if you do not respect yourself enough to set the healthy boundaries other people won't respect you either! Low self respect will make you a magnet for people who will be taking advantage of you, toxic relationships, booty calls, verbal abuse... What is the worst in this case is that disrespectful behaviour of others will crush your self worth even more and you will end up in a very deep and dark vicious cycle:
low self respect - low self worth - disrespectful behaviour by others - crushed self worth - no self respect at all - more disrespectful behaviour by others - devastated self worth...
In order to increase to self worth you have to first increase the self respect! Self respect reflects in the way you treat yourself, the boundaries you do(not) set for how other people can(not) treat you, in the amount of money you invest in yourself and amount of time that you devote to yourself, in the way you talk about yourself in front of other people... That is the reason why I work with my clients a lot on building self respect and setting the healthy boundaries in relationships, and why I rave so much the importance of self care! One of the most dangerous consequences of low self worth is attracting toxic relationships! When we do not feel worthy we will settle for for disrespectful behaviour, for being taken advantage of, for being cheated and lied to over and over again, for the man who we now is not the right guy for us, or keep on hanging with "fake" friends... because deep within we will not feel and believe that we deserve or can have something or someone better!
Toxic relationships crush our self worth even further as we end up feeling even more unworthy of love, after experiencing disrespectful behaviour, infidelity, or being taken advantage of by someone we love or care about deeply. What we need to have in mind is that people are not bad in general but they will treat us badly (even those who are very close to us) if we do not set healthy boundaries in relationships (learn how to say NO, learn to put our self care and wellbeing as #1 priority, and learn to whom we should or should not trust). The most importantly what we should never forget is that by the way we treat ourselves we are indirectly and subconsciously showing to others how they should treat us.
Contemplate on how many times you say YES to things and people you really want to say NO to? Contemplate on how much you truly value yourself? Money is the currency for the exchange of value. How much money you invest in yourself shows how much you value yourself! If you find it "too expensive" to invest in yourself (education, skill growth, learning new languages...), your personal growth (workshops, coaching programs, courses, books...), and wellbeing (healthy food, body movement, self care...) that is a reflection how little you value yourself! When you do not value yourself enough, other people will reflect it back to you: they will not value you enough either! How much time you devote to yourself and self care also shows how much you value yourself! Just like when you feel big respect for other people you honour them a lot: want to offer them the best food, devote a lot of time for them, show them how special they are to you, you chose the words you speak with them carefully, you are kind to them, compassionate, you invest money to treat them and take them to beautiful places... when you respect yourself you will do the same - for you!
if you want other people to respect you show some respect to yourself first!
HOW TO INCREASE SELF WORTH TIP #2: HEAL THE WOUNDS THAT TRIGGERED LOW SELF WORTH
Behind the low self esteem and self worth there is always an emotional wound from the past. It can be a memory from an early childhood, or a failure we have experienced (divorce, dropping out of college, being fired, being cheated or rejected by a man we are in love with deeply...), being heartbroken over and over again, having a goal that we have not been able to achieve for a long time, deep rooted shame that we feel about ourselves (for example shame about mistakes made in the past, body shame, or sexual shame).
I have found in my coaching work that no matter how good techniques and tools I give to my 1 on 1 confidence coaching clients to boost confidence and self worth, without healing the wounds that are lying beneath the low self worth true breakthrough cannot happen! That is the reason why I do a lot of inner work with my clients on healing hurtful memories, emotional wounds from the past or childhood, and healing body shame and sexual shame. Shame and self worth cannot coexist together!
Emotional wounds if not healed can form a negative behavioural pattern and hold the negative energy that will have us attracting the same hurtful situations and people who will keep on shattering our self worth in the future. That's why I love to include energetic work on healing emotional wounds as well within my coaching program (like healing chakras and forgiveness for example).
If you are attracting toxic relationships or emotionally unavailable men over and over again, feeling stuck with money for years, you are experiencing set back after set back and failure after failure professionally over and over again... this can be an indicator that there is some deep wound from the past (that you may not even be aware of) or behavioural pattern which needs to heal! know that until you heal the wounds that have been the root cause of your low self worth you will keep on repeating that same negative pattern in the future, which will decrease your self worth even further (and have you stuck in the vicious cycle).
HOW TO INCREASE SELF WORTH TIP #3: YOU MATTER - SHINE YOUR LIGHT!
On Sunday I was giving Emotional Intelligence workshop in Delhi with my dear colleague Lata Dasila Singh and I have seen how many people were touched by the nugget of wisdom that I have shared so I decided to share it in this blog post as well. One learning that has resonated with me deeply during the seven years of my medical education was the surgery mishap that perfectly illustrated how much each of us MATTERS. There had been a very difficult transplant surgery performed in Paris by seven top surgeons for the first time in history. Patient had survived against the all odds after seventeen hours of surgical intervention. The success of the surgery had got a lot of press. It was a big moment for the medical science. Unfortunately, the patient died. Not from the surgery complications or the original medical condition but due to intrahospital infection (the infection that patient gets inside the hospital if environment is not sterile or cleaning standard high). Although seven surgeons have done the amazing job patient eventually died due to ignorance or mistake made by the cleaning stuff. This example perfectly shows how much each of us in the system is IMPORTANT and how we all have unique and irreplaceable role! Without any one of us, the system would collapse! We need a skilled surgeon to operate us, but to successfully recover we need a very skilled and responsible cleaning stuff and nurses equally as well!
That's why we should never feel that we do not contribute to the world enough because we are not saving hungry children in Africa, we aren't a CEO of the company, or the Instagram influencer with 2 million followers... and we are "just" a business coach with 1 K followers, "just" an accountant, "just" a fashion blogger, "just" a ______ (insert whatever you do). What you do DOES matter to many people in YOUR community!
No matter which role you play in your community and your organisation have in mind that what do matters. YOU MATTER! The world needs YOUR unique GIFT that only you can give. The world needs your advice, your art, your music, your message, your service, your book, your knowledge, your expertise, your skills, your wisdom... The world needs your talents, skills, and gifts! If you do not shine your light and you hide away yourself due to thinking "Who am I to do this work / start that business / teach this / create that...?" you are robbing the world away from you light, your gift, your contribution! Trust that you were born for a reason and that if you have been given talents, knowledge, skills, desires to become someone or do something, there is an infinite wisdom within you calling you to serve others with the unique gifts that you were equipped with! Just like the flower was created for a reason to bloom, beautify our world with it's beauty and it's scent, and to feed the bees so that they can spread out the polen, which will contribute that fruits grow on the tree so that we can eat that delicious apple... you exist, just like that flower or like that be, for a higher purpose and higher reason: to serve with your gifts and make this world a better place. Never forget that.
Bloom like the flower and spread the polen of your knowledge and expertise so that others can benefit and you can fulfil the purpose you were born to do. Shine your light. Do not dim it. The world needs your light. The world needs the confident version of you. Self assured version of you. Feeling worthy of your desires version of you. Healed you. Strong you. True you. You matter!
HOW TO INCREASE SELF WORTH TIP #4: KNOW THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF YOUR DESIRES!
On my own personal growth and healing journey and while working with my coaching clients, I have been able to see how self worth can proportionally decrease with our inability to manifest what we desire. When we are feeling "stuck" in life, we are not able to meet the man we are dreaming of , earn that income goal which we have set for ourselves, get that promotion, get that client or a contract... we can fall into a trap of feeling not worthy enough of our desires. Feeling that we are not good enough for that dream man. Feeling that we are not good enough for that client or contract. Feeling that we are not good enough for that promotion. Feeling that we are not good enough for people to invest in us... This can shatter our self worth and crush our confidence very deeply!
What I have learned over the years is that WE ARE WORTHY of our desires. The only reason why we are not manifesting and achieving what we want and desire is our limiting beliefs and the old wounds that we need to heal on emotional and energetic level. No matter how good we are and no amount of hard work can compensate for the poor mindset.
If your desires are not manifesting or you are not able to achieve your goal even after you have been trying hard for a long time that does not mean that you are not good enough or you are not worthy of it. that means that right now it is not the right time as there might be a wound that you need to heal, limiting beliefs you need to overcome, poor mindset you need to work on, or low self worth that needs a boost!
If deep down within we do not believe we something or we are worthy of it we will find it really hard to attract it into our life. Having a powerful mindset is the key to success in any area of our life. I have seen my 1 on 1 coaching clients getting the good opportunities for their dream job or meeting the man of their dreams within a week of our breakthroughs in coaching sessions after they heal their limiting beliefs.
If you are feeling stuck in any area of your life (money, love life, career...) do not think for one single moment that you are not good enough. Think about your mindset. You will find it very hard to attract the man of your dreams if you are struggling with low self worth, low feminine confidence, body shame, or sexual shame. Same way you cannot earn the income goal of your dreams if you have scarcity mindset and poor relationship with money. Instead of falling into a trap of self pity, self belittling talk, and feeling like you are not good enough or worthy enough (which will crush your self worth even more!) contemplate if you have limiting beliefs that are holding you back and if you need to work on your mindset. It was only when I started working on my money mindset and healed some of my own emotional and energetic wounds when it comes to money (with the help of money mindset coach) that I have become a "money magnet" and started earning in one month more than I used to earn in a year not so long ago!
If you are feeling very much stuck, working with a life coach or confidence coach can be of big help as limiting beliefs usually are formed early in childhood or while experiencing very intense emotional reaction, for example tremendous pain, grief, or fear (I believe that it is my unique gift as a coach to help clients to discover what is the wound beneath the low self worth, so that they can bring awareness into it and heal it).
HOW TO INCREASE SELF WORTH TIP #5: HAVE FAITH IN THE PROCESS
While going trough set backs and failures it can be very hard to keep on believing in ourselves. That's when our self worth can significantly decrease as we naturally start feeling like we are not good enough, smart enough, worthy enough of love... which crushes our confidence in self even further. Wise life lesson that I have learned was that failures and obstacles can be a Divine guided detour in the right direction. I had a desire to become a shrink and when I dropped out of Medical college a decade ago, being deeply depressed after a heart brake, my self worth was totally crushed. Today, if I look back I am very grateful that things did not turn out the way I thought that time they should or I wanted them to be. I know today that guy was not my soulmate. I know today that becoming a doctor was not my destined path. I have discovered what I was born to do and I am doing the work today which sets my soul on fire. I am living my true purpose today.
My desire to advise people and help them heal emotional wounds and overcome life challenges did come true but in much greater way that I thought it "had to happen". I am working today via Skype with international clients, which gives me flexible working hours and opportunity to work while traveling (which was way beyond my wildest dreams), not to mention how much I enjoy writing and blogging, and the income that blows my mind. That time I could not see the bigger picture. I thought that guy and that college and that "plan" was something that would make me happy. I did not realise that time that the Universe has something way bigger and greater in store for me. Something I would have not even dared to dream for myself! I thought that time that it did not happen because I was not good enough for it. I know today that it did not happen because I was meant to have, live, experience... so much more than that!
know that whatever failure or rejection you have experienced in the past (that failed business investment, that man who broke up with you, that job you did not get, that college you dropped out from...) you did not get not for the reason because you were not good enough or you did not deserve it, but because you deserve so much more and that was not the right business, the right job, the right man for you! there is someone or something beyond your wildest dreams in the store of the future for you destined. remain patient, be hopeful, and trust that there is something bigger unfolding in your life according to the greater plan which you may not understand at the moment.
I love the lesson from the Course In Miracles which says: "The secret to prayer is to stop praying for what you think you need!". Stop praying to get that man, that job, that contract, that degree... as that may not be what would truly make you happy. Start praying to be guided towards your soulmate, towards your life purpose, towards the teacher, life coach, or a book that can help you heal the wounds and limiting beliefs that are holding you back and stuck in life. Start praying for the guidance and clarity. Start praying for the sign if you are going in the right direction and to be shown what to do and where to go. Have faith that the Universe has your back and that everything is happening for your highest good! Have faith that if it passed you by, it was not meant for you and what was meant for you - you will be intuitively drawn to it and Divinely guided towards to!
HOW TO INCREASE SELF WORTH TIP #6: LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION!
I always ask my clients while discussing major events in their life which affected their self worth in a major way if they have had felt deep within that they are making the wrong decision. The answer is always YES!
We so often forget that we have access to Divine wisdom trough our intuition - we only need to learn to tap into it. If we do not listen to our intuition we will end up signing that contract that will turn out to be a failure, enter into toxic relationship with a person we felt is not right for us, or make a wrong decision... that is going to cost us crushed self worth in a long run.
Reflect on the major failures in life or hurtful experiences that may have crushed your self worth (for example, my self worth was crushed years back after having my heart broken over and over again and especially after dropping out of college). Think for a moment if you have been feeling deep within the entire time that it was not the right man, the right job, the right opportunity, a true friend...? You may be surprised with the answer!
There are times when we still can feel insecure about ourselves or not sure if we are "hearing" our inner voice or voice of our ego. In those times, luckily, we can always ask a sign from the Universe, from Divine. When I wanted to include Law Of Attraction tools and techniques as a part of my coaching program and in my blog posts I was very insecure if I am making the right decision or the biggest mistake in my coaching career. I was afraid it might chase away the audience that I worked so hard to build over the years, as it may be "woo" to the people who are used on my "science - based - personal - growth" advice. I felt deep calling within to share and teach these techniques, but insecurity was bothering me a lot still. That's when I asked the Universe for a sign if that is the direction I should go towards. Within a week, Mike Dooley, one of the teachers in the documentary movie "The Secret" shared my article on happiness on his blog! That was a STRONG SIGN for me that I AM making the right decision. Once I introduced these techniques my income increased, my audience increased, and my happiness level increased as I started enjoying my coaching work and writing so much more!
Remember that you can always ask for a sign from the Universe to be sure if what you feel the right decision. But you also need to remember that you need to be open to receive the sign and accept it with strong faith.
One of my former coaching clients have asked for the sign from the Universe if she should marry her fiancee as she intuitively felt that he was not "the one". The same day he was very rude with her (for the first time in their relationship!) after they had their (first!) argument. She realised that the sign was confirming what she already intuitively felt but her fear of never again meeting a guy who would want to marry her and share his life with her (as she was having very low self worth - she was not believing deep within that she would be worthy of a man she was truly desiring) she still married him. We started working together when she was deciding about the divorce and experiencing deep pain as she was struggling a lot in marriage and her self worth crushed even more.
I love an oracle card from my Sacred Rebels deck (by the way I am a big fan of oracle cards as they can help us to tune more into our intuition and increase our faith in the guidance from the Universe) which says: "She feels, she knows!". The message from the oracle card is that intuition is like knowing something without understanding when or how you came to know it. The definition of intuition is: "the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning." If you chose to listen to your intuition, you will not be putting yourself in situations or relationships that are going to have your self worth broken and your confidence crushed at the end. You will feel it and you will know it!
HOW TO INCREASE SELF WORTH TIP #7: LET GO OF SELF BELITTLING TALK
One of the first steps in healing low self worth is to stop with self belittling talk! Internally (the thought we keep on thinking about ourselves) and externally (the way we talk about ourselves in front of other people)! How we can possibly increase our self worth and self esteem if we constantly thinking and repeating negative and self belittling thoughts about ourselves in our head of how we are not good enough, how we are unattractive, shy, insecure, unworthy of love, incapable, stupid, wrong, fat, ugly...? In order to boost confidence and heal low self worth we have to start telling a different story! The story of how we are working on increasing our courage and confidence. The story of how we ARE WORTHY and we DO MATTER. The story that we deserve good things to happen to us. The story of being good enough. The story of healing the shame. The story of healing low self worth. In order to boost low self worth we need to start empowering ourselves with the words of self respect, self compassion, and self appreciation. I found that working with positive affirmations and including them in the morning rituals can be of big help in the self empowerment process as well.
Try to observe the way you are talking about yourself in from of others. Is your talk self empowering or self belittling?
Do you speak often in conversations lines like (even as a joke):
"I can't believe how could I be so stupid!"
"I am so silly!"
"Perhaps what I am about to say is going to sound silly..."
"I am fat like a cow / pig / an elephant..."
"Is there any sense in what I'm talking...?"
"I am so clumsy!"
We need to have in mind that the way we perceive ourselves is the way we will project onto others how they should perceive us. Do not be surprised if people around you start talking about you that you're clumsy, silly, that what you're talking has no sense at all, or you are not good enough or you will never be able lose that weight or never be able find that perfect guy... if that's what you keep on telling to them all the time! The dangerous factor here is that we perceive ourselves by the way other people see us! If you are anyway having low self worth and then you hear others talking belittling things about you it can make you feel even more unworthy in the long run!
this is what I tell to my confidence coaching clients all the time: no matter how good you are, smart you are, generous you are, talented you are, skilled you are... other people cannot read it on your forehead! you have to communicate that to others! You have to speak about yourself in the way you want other people to see you! the moment you start praising, respecting, and appreciating yourself for all that you are you will see how other people will start praising, appreciating, and respecting you more!
I have coached personally more than 100 women internationally (from USA and UK to India and Netherlands, Norway, Germany, South Africa, and counting…), given motivational talks and workshops to women, and nowadays I am giving corporate workshops to female employees in Fortune 500 companies in New Delhi, and I have seen how big shifts in their life and career they experience once they learn the tools to boost their confidence, increase self worth, and learn how to set healthy boundaries in the relationships, so that they can stop being taken advantage of, and get rid of toxic relationships. If you are struggling with feelings of unworthiness, impostor syndrome, low self - confidence, being in toxic relationships... click here to read about my life coaching program via Skype.